


Stark Spouse #N

by TigerKat



Series: Tony Stark Is Married To Everyone [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, no really I mean everyone, poly au, tony is married to everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-12
Updated: 2013-09-12
Packaged: 2017-12-26 08:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/964015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerKat/pseuds/TigerKat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Tony is married to everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rhodey

**Author's Note:**

> This is at least 90% subluxate's fault. Takes place in a universe where polyamory is the norm, although Tony as usual takes it too far. 
> 
> The Poly AU belongs to subluxate, sarcasticsra, and ~~their cohort whose AO3 name I do not know~~ anathemagerminabunt! I borrow with permission.

They wake up on top of a bed in a Las Vegas hotel penthouse suite, half-naked, hungover, and wearing rings. Which is actually a pretty typical Friday night for them, except for the rings part.

"What," Rhodey says, flatly.

Tony slits open one eye and glares. "Shut up, you're yelling, gods, Rhodey, how can you be so cruel to me and my hangover--"

"I'm not yelling," Rhodey says, before Tony can really get on a roll. "Wake up, Tony, we have a situation."

Tony whines and bitches and moans but in about a minute he opens his eyes enough to see the rings they're wearing. Then he says, "Oh," and closes his eyes again.

_"Oh?"_ Rhodey-- not yelps, he doesn't yelp, he's a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Air Force and he _does not yelp. "Oh?"_

Tony flinches. "Ow, Rhodey, not fair, you're yelling, Rhodey, my hangover--"

"I," Rhodey says, with dangerous calm, "have a hangover too, and Tony, we are married, this calls for yelling!"

"No it doesn't," Tony mumbles, rolls over, pulls the blankets over his head.

Rhodey yanks them right back off. "Why, pray tell, does this not call for yelling?"

Tony rolls onto his back and squints up at Rhodey. "Why would it? We're married, big deal." He closes his eyes, then opens them and adds, "We would make beautiful babies, honeybear, if that's what you're worried about."

"No, I..." Rhodey stops, pinches the bridge of his nose. "Tony. Getting married. Is a big deal. I didn't exactly picture it being drunk in Vegas."

"So do it better next time," Tony says, eyes already half-closed. "Look, Rhodey, you're my best friend, there's nobody I'd rather be married to, if you get shot I won't have to pay my way into the hospital, now will you be a good husband and shut up and let me sleep off my hangover in peace please and thank you." 

"We are talking about this more when you wake up," Rhodey says, but Tony's pulled the pillow over his face and started snoring very loudly (and very falsely). Rhodey rolls his eyes, and tries not to feel touched and strongly affectionate. 

How is this seriously his life.


	2. Pepper

Pepper is in the middle of a well-deserved dressing-down when Tony starts saying her name. "Pep. Pep. Pepper. Pep."

She rolls her eyes and stops talking because he won't shut up and listen until she does, but he's evidently not-listening enough that he just keeps saying her name. "Pepper. Pep. Pepper."

Pepper rolls her eyes again. Sometimes she just can't believe him. "Tony," she says, possibly less than patiently. "I'm done yelling for now. Talk."

Tony stops, mouth half open, and blinks for a moment before asking, "For now?"

"I'll continue the lecture later," she says, and has the brief satisfaction of seeing Tony wince. "Now talk or I'll continue it now."

"Okay," Tony says. "Um." He bites his lip, looking uncharacteristically hesitant.

At this point, Pepper's pretty sure she knows what's going on. Tony's been fiddling with her hands all week, circling her fingers with his, holding them out in front of him as if he's contemplating what colors look good. He probably thought he was being subtle, but he really, really wasn't, and anyway, Pepper's always been able to read him like a book. She knows he wants her to marry him.

She will, too. Tony is easily her best friend in the world, for all he drives her nuts, and she would quite like to marry him, be his wife as well as run his company-- she loves being around him, and this will give her more ways and reasons to keep him under control, keep him safe and sober and _hers._ She's definitely going to marry him.

But nobody said she shouldn't make him sweat for it.

So she crosses her arms and lifts an eyebrow at him. "Yes?" she asks, in her most freezing tones.

Tony wilts. Bless. "Um," he says, and then, "Pepper-- Virginia--" and she makes a face; she's forgotten how much she hates her given name. "Pepper," he amends. "Pepper. You're the most important person in my life right now, you know that? Except for Rhodey," he adds, hand rising to touch the ring on his chest.

"Really," Pepper says, keeping the swell of warmth and affection off her face with an effort. 

"Really," Tony says, and he's a little more forceful this time. "You're my best friend. One of them--" the other being Rhodey, which Pepper knew and does not resent. Tony swallows, and then drops out of his chair, folding himself to one knee. "I love you very much, I love being around you, you're so important to me, and--" He inhales, says all in a rush, "Would you possibly consider marrying me?"

"Idiot," Pepper says, and Tony's face falls. "Of course I'll marry you. Get up, you look ridiculous."

"I do not," he says automatically, and then begins to grin as her words sink in. "You'll marry me?"

She rolls her eyes again. "What part of 'of course' is difficult, Tony? And you’re supposed to be a genius."

"I am a genius," he says, tone strongly offended, as he climbs back into his chair. "Ask anyone."

"If you were a genius," she retorts, "you'd show up for your board meetings on time and not make me come and track you down all the time."

They're off again, bickering, and sometime in the argument Tony slips a ring on her finger, simple silver with diamonds, which is exactly what she likes, which means he's actually been paying attention instead of just making her a ring in Iron Man colors. For the rest of the day, he breaks into idiot grins at random intervals, and she strokes the ring, and smiles. 

She's really irritated with him half the time, and full of exasperated affection the rest, and she's so, so glad she's marrying him.


	3. Bruce

Tony proposes on the day that Bruce blinds him with science. Really. 

It's an accident, of course. Some sort of organic flashbang thing Bruce is working on goes off unexpectedly, and Tony happens to be looking right at it like the idiot he is. He ends up on his ass, ears ringing, blinking fiercely at the thick black smudges blurring across his vision, and laughing, because seriously, this is one of the funnier things that has happened to him recently.

"Whoa, you okay?" 

He can't see Bruce but echolocation suggests he's about two feet away and closing. "I'm fine," Tony says, and reaches out, fists his hand in Bruce's shirt. "What the hell did you put in that thing?"

"Not much," Bruce says, and proceeds to detail everything he put in there while petting Tony's hair and face. He'd probably say he's checking to make sure Tony isn't injured but he's definitely petting.

Not that Tony minds. He not-minds so much he doesn't pay attention to anything Bruce says.

"Hey," he says, the second Bruce pauses for air. "So we should totally get married."

Bruce draws in a breath, rattles on a few moments more, then stutters abruptly to a stop when his ears kick in. "Wait, what?" 

"I said," Tony says, "we should get married. You and me. You don't mind sharing me with Pepper, do you? And Rhodey. Pepper and Rhodey and you, it sounds great, but I'd need a nickname for you, I have nicknames for them. Bruce-babe? Bannerbug? Brucey-Wucey?" He blinks again; the spots are starting to clear up. 

"If you call me Brucey-Wucey in public, or around the Avengers, or in front of Pepper, or in fact ever again," Bruce says, in that really level tone he gets sometimes, "I will not only not marry you, you will never sleep with me again. Clear?"

"Crystal," Tony says, hastily, and adds, "Bannerbug. Bruce-babe. Green-skinned monster of love, are you gonna marry me?" He squints. Bruce's face is kind of a blur but he looks torn between affection and exasperation.

"Stop trying to nickname me," Bruce says. "Seriously, don't do it."

"Bruuuuuuuce," Tony whines, on the basis that whining is always worth a shot.

Bruce sighs. "At least it's my name. Yes, okay, fine. How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Eleven," Tony says, and kisses him.


	4. Steve

"Steve."

Steve groans inwardly, but keeps his eyes closed. If he just keeps pretending to be asleep, Tony might shut up.

"Steve."

Even breathing, slow and steady... 

"Steeeeeeeeve," and Tony pokes him in the ribs.

Steve gives up and rolls over, sits up. "What."

Tony looks, for lack of a better word, demented. His hair is standing on end, his face is smudged with grease, his shirt is scorched and he's got this crazed grin on his face that does not bode well for the immediate future. Usually when Tony wakes him up in the middle of the night, he either wants sex or has a terrifying idea, and the sex face does not look like that.

Steve sighs.

"Hey," Tony says. "Hey. So you know what would be awesome?"

The best way to deal with Tony in these moods is usually just to humor him. "No, Tony," Steve says, patiently. "Tell me what would be awesome."

"You and me getting married," Tony says, and holds out his hand, in which he's holding a gold ring with a ruby in it. "Here, I made this for you, I just finished it, try it on, c'mon." 

"Tony," Steve says, still patient, "it's three in the morning."

"Is it?" Tony frowns at his bedside clock. "Huh. Guess it is. Sorry about that. JARVIS, why didn't you tell me what time it was? I totally would've waited if I'd known--"

"Sir," JARVIS interrupts, with the dry tone that no computer should be able to achieve, "I did tell you. You told me to, quote, shut up shut up this is an excellent idea and it can't wait, end quote."

Steve stifles a grin. 

Tony rolls his eyes. "Well fine," he addresses the ceiling, "turn on me, why don't you, my own tech turned traitor... I'm sorry for waking you up, Steve, I really am, hey, we should still totally get married anyway, don't you think that would be an awesome idea?"

Yes, actually, he really does. But it is still three AM, and that's ridiculous. "No," he says, and flops back down into the blankets.

Tony can look remarkably woebegone when he wants to. "No?" he asks, his eyes huge and crushed.

"No," Steve repeats, firmly. "Not until the sun is up. Go to bed, Tony. We'll get engaged in the morning."

"Oh," Tony says, and the crazed grin is back, all caffeine and sleep deprivation and genius ideas and brilliant _Tony._ "Awesome. How about sex, then? Three AM is a good time for sex."

Steve throws an arm over his eyes. "Go to bed, Tony."


	5. Thor

Thor is Tony's favorite. 

This is not a huge surprise. Thor is everybody's favorite. He's like a huge gorgeous golden retriever of sex appeal, and okay, that's not the greatest mental image in the world but it's really the most accurate one Tony can throw together. He's just got that whole melting puppy-dog eyes and "I have just met you and I _love_ you" thing down pat, not to mention abs of steel and... well, Tony will just say that he gives new meaning to the term "thundercock."

Still. He's not one hundred percent sure that Thor actually understands marriage. When Tony proposed, he just beamed and boomed, "Of course, shieldbrother! I would be delighted to unite your future to mine!" Which he has apparently said to everyone, including Jane and Darcy, although in their cases it was "my beloved" instead of "shieldbrother," which even Natasha got.

At this rate Thor's going to have more spouses than Tony. Which is just a touch disconcerting.

He means. Come on. If Thor just says yes to everyone who proposes it isn't the same, is it? If he doesn't get marriage, if he just thinks it's what you _do,_ it sort of doesn't mean anything and that kind of hurts. But Tony does love Thor, just like he loves Rhodey and Pepper and Bruce and Steve, and he wants it to work, and he thinks he's too selfish to turn Thor down even if Thor is only doing it because he thinks it's what you do. 

But seriously, why would Thor even _want_ to marry Tony. Apart from the fact that Rhodey and Pepper and Bruce and Steve did-- and Rhodey did it by accident, and he's still not sure the other three were in their right minds at the time. Tony's a fuckup, and he knows it, and he really is ridiculously lucky that four such wonderful people agreed to marry him already, and he's sort of pushing his luck...

Except then one of the random SHIELD agents whose name he hasn't bothered to learn proposes, ring and one knee and everything, and Thor just beams at her and says, "Nay, shieldsister, but let us become friends! For I much desire to further my acquaintance with you," and Tony realizes that hey, maybe Thor doesn't accept everyone.

Maybe Thor really does want to marry him-- _him._

Rhodey whaps him upside the head and says, "Of course he does." Pepper only rolls her eyes and demands to know where he got this inferiority complex, really, seriously, _she's_ the one who's big as a whale with _his spawn,_ if anyone's having an inferiority complex it should be her. Bruce and Steve drag him into bed for a marathon cuddling session.

Thor just looks bewildered at him, as if he can't imagine why anyone _wouldn't_ want to marry Tony.

Tony spends the rest of the week smiling.


	6. Jane

Okay so Tony might have had a tiny fanboy fit of squee when he first met Thor's wife and realized she was _that_ Jane Foster. And he might have proposed to her twenty-two times between then and now, for entirely spurious reasons like 'you brought me coffee' or 'you fixed my math,' or 'hey, you're here' (but, really, she's _Jane Foster,_ who the fuck wouldn't propose to her for entirely spurious reasons, idiots, that's who). And he's already married to five people and even for somebody like him that might be considered a bit much. But _really,_ he thinks it's rude of her to laugh when he finally gets around to the twenty-third time.

Tony sits back on his heels and pouts. "Jane, _Jane,_ I'm serious, you shouldn't laugh at me, that is not at all nice." 

"You're never serious," Jane says, almost completely accurately. "Pass me that screwdriver while you're down there."

"I'm serious _now,"_ Tony says, and passes her the screwdriver.

"Hmm," Jane says. Tony's not sure if she's talking to him or to the machine she's currently elbow-deep in. 

On the off chance she's talking to him, he goes on. "Seriously. I'm serious. I mean, I've totally been serious the other twenty-two times but I'm _really_ serious this time. I mean. Who wouldn't want to marry you? You're smart and hot and totally awesome, and did I mention smart? Having a conversation with you is actually challenging, I love it, I love you, you have to marry me, Jane, or I'll die of boredom, c'mon, do me a solid."

"Hmm," Jane says again, absently. "Get up here and loosen this bolt for me. You are very good in bed."

"Yes," Tony says, rising obediently and hauling on the rusted bolt for her. "I am excellent in bed, if I do say so myself. And also, I can move bolts for you."

"You do have your uses," Jane agrees. "Okay. Here, loosen this other bolt."

Tony grins, and switches the wrench. "After that, can we have celebratory sex? I can get Thor down here if you want."

"After we get the machine fixed," Jane says firmly, but her mouth curves in a smile. Tony feels like punching the air.

Twenty-third time's the charm!


	7. Darcy

So it turns out that once you get married to Jane and Thor, you also have to get married to Darcy. She doesn't even give you a choice.

Which... woe is Tony. He has to get married to an attractive, intelligent, funny woman with, let's face it, a first-rate rack (and Tony is a connoisseur). He has to hang out with her on his big plush couch and talk politics, or bicker about music, or make fun of reality TV shows. He has to play with her hair and pet her amazing skin and upgrade her taser when he gets bored.

Plus, they have to have orgies with their mutual spouses.

Tony's life is _so hard._ He might swoon.


	8. Natasha

Natasha's always gone in the morning, because she won't share a bed with anyone except Clint-- Tony thinks it's a paranoia thing and doesn't really mind because the one time they all had a team sleepover she kicked him in the ribs five times in her sleep. And he knows she trusts him enough to have her back, so he's not worried.

Anyway, she always materializes behind him in the kitchen the next morning and kisses his neck while she gets her coffee. Well, kisses is polite-- it's more like biting, all sharp teeth and warm wet tongue and sometimes she gropes him. Tony is okay with this too. 

This morning she outright bites his collarbone and pinches his ass sharply before stealing his coffee.

"Good morning," Tony says, turning around and aiming a kiss at her cheekbone. She moves like the ninja assassin she is and he misses entirely, landing on her shoulder with a faint oof. "Can I have my coffee back?"

Natasha lifts an eyebrow, and pushes him off her, not unkindly. "This is mine now. Make some more."

He groans and whines but Natasha ignores him; she's really good at that. So he makes some more coffee and asks how she slept.

"Very well," she says, sipping his-- okay, it's her coffee. "You?"

"Decently," he says, and reaches up, fiddles with the linked rings at his throat thoughtfully. He's got room for one more, and... he hasn't thought about it before but he'd kind of like a claim on her. Natasha always reminds him of a barely-tamed wolf; she likes them, but she might flee at any moment and not come back. He's pretty sure whatever she's got with Clint will bring her back to him, but... he's got no guarantee that she'll come back to the Avengers.

"I'm not going to leave," she says, without looking up. "For some strange reason I like all of you."

He squints at her. "So, what, you're a mindreader now?"

"I always have been."

"You terrify me," Tony comments, holding his coffee close. "We should get married."

Natasha raises a cool eyebrow, still without looking up from her breakfast. "That doesn't even make sense. Or were you proposing to the coffee?"

"Well, I meant the coffee," he says, "but you too." It's just occurred to him five minutes ago, but it's an awesome idea, like all of his ideas when you get down to it. "Wanna get married? We could throw a party."

She sighs. "Yes, I will marry you. No, you will not throw a party."

"Buzzkill," Tony says, and sips his coffee happily.


	9. Clint

"Come on," Tony says. "Come on, come _on,_ everyone else is doing it!"

Clint lowers his glass and stares at Tony. "Seriously? That's your line?"

"Gotta catch 'em all," Tony says, without shame. "Come on, it'll be great, we can have team orgies instead of those stupid trust fall things. You can't tell me that's a better morale builder than sex."

Clint rolls his eyes. "You are literally the only person I know who would marry somebody to complete a set. What is this, Pokemon?"

"Gotta catch 'em all," Tony repeats, grinning. "That's not why I want to marry you, though. I mean, not gonna lie, I totally want the bragging rights of being married to all the Avengers, but I'd marry you anyway." 

"Oh?" Clint, sensing a rare opportunity for flattery, kicks back and folds his hands behind his head. "Do tell."

Tony squints at him, evidently sensing bullshit, then shrugs. "Well, you're hot," he says, sensibly, because Clint _is_ hot. He knows this for a fact, and Tony doesn't need to repeat what he already knows, so he makes little "go on" motions with one hand.

Tony rolls his eyes, but goes on. "That marksmanship thing? That does a lot for me. A _lot._ You might have noticed what with how I jump you after battles."

"You jump everyone after battles," Clint reminds him, but he has noticed that. He just sort of figured Tony liked post-battle adrenalin-fueled sex, which... so does he. 

Tony makes a face. "Yes, but it's the marksmanship thing, okay, stop nitpicking my compliments."

"No," Clint says, grinning.

"See, that's another thing," and Tony is flailing now, his elegant hands describing arcs and triangles and whacked-out shapes in the air. "The sarcasm. I really really like somebody who snarks back in bed. You might have noticed from those orgies I have with Pepper and Bruce."

Clint furrows his brow. "Does it really count as an orgy if there's only three of you?"

"It does if I say it does," Tony says, and adds, "You could totally have sex with me and Pepper and Bruce. Then it would be an orgy by anyone's standards."

"In Virginia it's seven people in a room with their socks off," Clint says, as a point of interest.

Tony stops, mouth half open, clearly distracted. "What? That doesn't even... what? First of all, a lot of people have sex with their socks on, hell, I have sex with most of my clothes on sometimes, and also, just having your socks off does not mean you're having sex, I mean, Bruce doesn't have socks on when the other guy comes out to play, does that mean the other guy is automatically involved in an orgy?"

They've all seen the other guy's jolly green giant way too often for peace of mind-- Clint pictures that momentarily, then shakes his head. "Gods, I hope not. I mean. You couldn't even get your mouth around that thing."

"Might be fun to try..." Tony trails off, then shakes his head. "No, you know what, even I'm not that crazy and Bruce wouldn't let me anyway and are you going to marry me or not?"

"I dunno," Clint says, "I'm not sure you've flattered me enough."

Tony rolls his eyes. "I will flatter you every day for the rest of your natural lifespan if you will only fucking marry me."

Clint shrugs. "Sure, but when that video goes up on YouTube I am not responsible for the consequences."

Tony shrugs. "They've seen worse."


	10. Phil

The third thing Tony does when Coulson reappears in their lives is propose to him.

The _first_ was blink at him, and rub his eyes, and poke him in the ribs just to be sure he's real. Coulson looked down at his poking finger, and looked back up, with that eyebrow-raised face that reminds Tony so much of Natasha and Pepper, when they're not really sure what he thinks he's doing but they're willing to put up with it because they love him. And suddenly he figures _that_ part out, figures out why Coulson never tazed him even though he gave him a _lot_ of provocation, why Coulson even thought of him when the Avengers Initiative started. And why he was so torn up in the other guy's cage, looking at the blood on the wall and feeling something in him crack.

So the second thing he does is kiss Coulson. And the third thing he does is propose.

Coulson raises his eyebrow higher. "Why, Stark. This is so sudden."

"Not really," Tony says, but okay, it is. "Maybe. A little. Will you do it or not."

Coulson looks at his chest, flicks the chain of rings around his neck. "Looks like you've got more than enough spouses."

"You can never have too many spouses," Tony says loftily, and Coulson isn't moving away, is still standing so close to him Tony can feel the live heat of his body. He's alive. "You know me, I’m greedy."

Coulson sighs. "Terribly. I suppose I could point to a ring and you could tell me whose it is."

Tony looks at him as if he's an idiot, which for asking that question, he is. "Um, duh?"

And there's that slight smile, the one that pulled something in Tony before he even realized it. "All right, then," Coulson says. "I must admit, your reaction was somewhat different. Natasha threatened to kill me if I did it again, Clint... doesn't bear thinking about, Bruce hit me, Thor burst into tears, and Steve just looked at me like I kicked his puppy."

"Well, you did," Tony feels obligated to say. "I mean. If by 'his puppy' you mean you. He really likes you, you know."

Another slight smile. "Glad to hear it."

"And I'm totally mad at you for faking your death," Tony adds. "But hey, you didn't watch Supernanny while I drooled. One good turn deserves another."

That slight smile widens.


	11. Nick

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Nick says, flatly.

"Funny story," Stark says, grinning at him. "I'm not."

Nick stares at him, narrowing his eye. "This isn't some kind of stupid-ass elaborate practical joke?"

Stark looks honestly offended at that, which makes him narrow his eye even more. "No! I don't joke about marriage proposals. Really, that's _unkind,_ Nick, I'm cut to the heart, why would ever even _say_ such a thing."

Nick stares pointedly at the chain of rings around Stark's neck-- ten, for fuck's sake, who the hell needs ten spouses? Stark, apparently, who goes overboard on everything and is currently gunning to make him number eleven. 

Stark glances down at them, following his gaze, then rolls his eyes. "I love every single one of them, I promise. In different ways sometimes--" he touches a chased copper ring at the very end of the chain-- "but I love them all. And you."

Now that he can't believe. "Because you're so demonstrative about it." 

"I built you a _flying aircraft carrier,"_ Stark says, "on what _planet_ does that not equal love."

Nick sighs through his nose. "I had the Helicarrier before Iron Man was even a twinkle in your eye, Stark."

Stark considers that, then says, "Yeah, okay, but I _improved_ it. You can't deny that."

He did do that. Considerably. "Yes, well," Nick says, which is conceding without really conceding, and the smug look on Stark's face says he knows it. "You do know it's technically illegal."

"SHIELD hasn't got fraternization rules," Stark says, even more smug. "I asked Phil. He speaks truth."

Phil is an asshole. Nick rubs his nose. "Why are you doing this, Stark?"

"I told you," Stark says. "I love you. And also I think you and me could take over the world in an afternoon, easy. That kind of partnership is not to be sneered at."

He has a point.

Fuck. Stark Spouse Number Eleven.

Maria is never going to let him forget this.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Slow News Day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/522708) by [sarcasticsra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticsra/pseuds/sarcasticsra)




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